Friday, November 30, 2012

Who the FUCK is Flying Lotus? A WAY MORE SCATHING THAN THE PREVIOUS ONE expose by Hamtaro S. Thompson

Quoth the captain: "HahAhHAHaaha"
...but what's really going on behind those awesome shades?

You'll remember not a few months ago that when a certain mysterious half-Captain, half-Murphy burst onto the scene, an intrepid young reporter set out to uncover just who really was behind the animated mask behind these animated records. Unfortunately, my so-called "trusted sources" turned out to be what they call, in the parlance of modern journalism, mistrue.
And now, the cat is out of the bag: Captain Murphy is none other than the man himself, Flying Lotus.

...and, like, what's really going on behind that smile?

To say the least: HOLY FUCKING SHIT HOW CAN ONE PERSON BE SO GOOD AT EVERYTHING. It's like if in the 70's Martin Scorcese had come out one day and been like "Yup, I am actually Robert De Niro too"; if Snoop was also Dre; Kurosawa was Mifune; Kobe and The Zen Master, one and the same; or the singer from Blur was actually also every member of Gorillaz, or some insane shit like that. So to you, Flaptain Murphtus, I say, well played, good sir--or should I say "good Captain"--well played indeed.

But while the mainstream media is content to just regurgitate press releases and/or twitpics and call it a day, this reporter continues to be a fucking journalist, and, so-called "facts" be damned, intends to do his fucking job. Because while it's now just common knowledge Captain Murphy is Flying Lotus, the real question still remains:


Just who is this so-called "Flying Lotus," anyway? Sure, we know his name is Stephen Ellison... and what he looks like... and where he's from... and what he's been doing/is doing most of the time, but something tells me that we aren't getting the full story. Because no normal human could possibly be this good at both rapping and production! It's unprecedented! Which, to the trained journalistic eye, can only mean there is something more to the story than any old plebefolk could see--and plebefolks, I am not exaggerating when I say that what I've uncovered, well... this one could go all the way to the top.

So without further ado, here are some potential secret/true identities of Stephen Ellison aka "Flying Lotus" aka "Captain Murphy" aka "Flaptain Murphtus" aka... well, you'll see, after what they call the jump:

Theory #1


I mean, he's apparently made everything else. Besides FlyLo, the only person I can think of to have such crazy and multifaceted talent in the world is one Otis Jackson Jr: prolific-as-fuck master DJ, genius producer, not one but two great rappers, kickass multi-instrumentalist for an entire universe of made-up bands, and all while singlehandedly facilitating the entire marijuana economy of the state of California.

Theory #2

Kendrick Lamar

The K'er formerly known as Dot is already the fucking best in the game right now, and deploys so many voices on his own album I wouldn't put it past him to be holding the player two controller as well. Black Hippy indeed.

Theory #3


Dude has been rapping though so much fucking fuzz these days that would it be that suprising if he had really just been blasting Shake Weight and snippets of UTCQ into an overdriven mic this entire time? Oh, and he's been getting heavy into production? And like half the pictures of him online are either out of focus of him almost totally cropped out of the frame?  And look at him eating a sandwich--you know who else probably eats sandwiches? FLYING LOTUS!


Theory #4: Resurrection

A Clone of John Coltrane

Writers always love to write about FlyLo's Alice Coltrane connection, but what if it's all just a big 'ol red herring, and the real answer was right under our noses the entire time? I mean:

Eh? Eh?

Theory #weir

Linda Cardellini

Or maybe we're approaching this wrong. After all, if this so-called "Flying Lotus" can pitch shift his voice down to become an incredible rapper, there's no reason he (or should I say, she) can't be pitching his (HER?!) body up as well, right? After all, if there's one thing we do know about this mysteriously aerodynamic plant, it's that you can never underestimate its production accumen. AND YOU DONT JUST GO BEING THE AMAZING LEAD OF ONE OF THE BEST SHOWS EVER FOR ONE SEASON AND THEN NOT BE IN LIKE ANYTHING ELSE EVER EXCEPT FOR THE SCOOBY DOO MOVIE AND LIKE FIVE SECONDS OF SUPER, RIGHT? THERE MUST BE SOMETHING UP RIGHT? WTF T.T <3

Although once we take into account that FlyLo could be a woman as well, that opens up another obvious possibility we all should have seen coming from a lightyear away...

Theory #ooohprettyyyyyy...

Eva Green

Look into those eyes. LOOK. There is definitely some cosmic shit going on in there. Seriously, I want to dive into those eyes and just swim around forever in their endless pools of serenity almost as badly as I do Ryan Gosling's whenever I'm watching Drive.


Theory #psychosis

Elijah Wood's Character From Wilfred

Or, speaking of crazy eyes, uhh, what about this? It's not just anyone who is able to get Fro-Fro the Bag-man himself out of his Ring-induced pity-party and into a music video. Between Duality and UTQC, dude has dropped a veritable shit-ton of songs this year--and you know what else had a shit ton of songs? WELL, IT RHYMES WITH BOARD OF THE SHMINGS AMIRITE?!

But seriously, you might say I'm mixing realities here, but think about this: dude, in his words, "was really into meditation and mystical states and all that shit, which really, really inspired me," when working on his new album. Meditation? Mystical states? DREAMS?! "BWAMMMMMMMMMMMMMM"!?!?!

To be able to manifest so much soulful dreamy cosmic metaphysical astral planey whatever's into the world, is it not possible that perhaps the definition and rules and nature of the physical world is for this Flying Lotus being not the same as that of our own? Would it not, in fact, be necessary for such a paradigm to be true in order for one bound by their inherent physicality to, as he terms it, Do The Astral Plane?

Really, what I am saying is: maybe Flying Lotus is the crazy one, and we are all but his anthropomorphic dog hallucinations, slowly licking and peeing his psychosis away into either a life-affirming catharsis or ultimately suicidal madness (I haven't finished the show yet).

Theory #00110111

A computer

On second thought, why does the world have to be a product of FlyLo's imagination at all? Because dude, what if everything is just like a computer simulation, man? And Flying Lotus is the code, the anomaly, the blue pill, the red pill, the spoon that isn't, the Oracle, and The One who will one day be born and arise to explain to us what the hell was going on with all those TVs.



Well, like, there's no proof that it's not, right? Right? DAMMIT SCULLY I WANT TO BELIEEEEEEEEEEEVE!

Theory #holycrapwtf

The DMT Elves

Ok honestly? I don't know what the fuck is going on with these, but I read about them in a Warren Ellis comic once and, judging by the fact that he actually wrote a song about it, I feel pretty confident in saying that this definitely FlyLo's kind of shit.

Theory #PLANET

Ego, The Living Planet

If we're sticking to this dimension though, perhaps the answer is more obvious. Just think: who could possibly be more qualified to sing to us of the eternal Cosmic Drama than the very planets themselves? Especially the only one with a mouth? Plus, it takes a lot of energy to make so much cosmic ass music, and I can't really of who could out-vibe a planet, could you?

Wait, actually, you know who could?

Theory #wayyy<9000

Super Saiyan 4 Gogeta

Look, we all know compared to this guy, even Goku, living deus ex machina that he is, is literally but half a person.
So take the most powerful protagonist of all time and literally combine him with his archrival's equally unparalleled combination of arrogance and whininess and you get a being so powerful it actually finally ended the fucking series, bringing the unmatched-even-to-this-day perpetual motion machine of exponential serial escalation that is the "Dragon Ball and/or plus some letters" franchise to a close.

 Plus, if you wanna get all semiotic up in here, dude even says of himself: "the Force is strong with this one though / over 9,000 midichlroian say so," so, there you go. But wait nonono, you know who's really a secretive artist with massive power reserves and a sense of scale to rival anime's?

Theory #*brooootherrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*

Terrence Malick

This is the guy who, when he wanted to tell the story of a family growing up, decided that to do so properly would have to go all the way back to the beginning of time. "It's strange to see / how you and me / love" indeed. Plus, he directed these two crazy videos, which are pretty clearly deleted scenes from Tree of Life.

But if we're bringing film in as evidence, well, then, waiiiit a second...

Theory #SMASH

Film Crit Hulk

Anonymous? Gamma ray strong? Polymath? Not just (giant green) hands down the best film writer on the entire internet (who may or may not have inspired a certain curious little hamster to take up the keyboard and blog), but suspiciously good writing about music to (giant green/actually a foot) boot? WOULD ANYONE BE SURPRISED?



Seriously though, you should probably check just in case. At the rate this maniac is going, he could be there too. You don't know.

But wait wait wait wait this just in breaking fucking news from Hamster HQ 'cause coming in it's all happening it's all making sense now...

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

Waaaaiiiit for iiiiit..........



Theory #brainwash


THERE. SOLVED IT. Is it for real? Is it just fantasy? All of the above? None of the above? Gift shop departure aside, all I know for sure is that Flying Lotus is definitely, definitely Banksy, for seriously hyperreal this time.

So take that, Flaptain Banksy! From now on, the three (or more) of you will no longer be able to hide behind the shield of 33.33% of your identity's anonymity! So anonymous artists be forewarned. I'm not the hero the internet deserves, but I'm the one it needs right now. Swear to me. Father, I shall become a hamster. Remember remember the 30th of november. Little hamsters, big revelations.

--h.s.t. out

1 comment:

  1. hahaha why didn't I think of Linda Cardellini?