furryloathing: Who is Captain Murphy: a scathing expose by Hamtaro S. Thompson

UPDATE: in the wake of shocking new revelations, we have issued a follow up report, which you can read here.

...

Since bursting onto the scene a couple months ago with this blistering Flying Lotus + Earl Sweatshirt collabo, Captain Murphy has left the mouths of the collective hip hop blogosphere have been agog with one question: just who is the purveyor of this new brand of deep throated, well-animated madvillainy? A rapper with the balls to literally descend into gibberish in the middle of a verse, but beyond that, Captain Murphy is also really fucking good. But while most peoples theories seem to just end with "it's probably Tyler, The Creator," this reporter is a fucking journalist, and, idle speculation be damned, intends to do his fucking job.

So, without further ado, here are some potential true identities of Captain Murphy:

Lil B

It's not Lil B.

Malice of the Clipse

(on right, AKA not Pusha-T)

While Pusha-T was busy infiltrating the p4k editorial staff and submarine racing Kanye to the next man-made coke-volcano island, perhaps one Gene Thornton merely bid his time before unleashing a villainous and piratey assault of verbiage over similarly lurky production from some potential next-Neptunes. Apparently he's also changed his name to No Malice--and isn't that kind of 180 away from such emotion just a little too convenient for someone who is hiding said supervillain status?

MIMS

HAS ANYONE EVER SEEN MIMS AND CAPTAIN MURPHY IN THE SAME ROOM I ASK YOU?!?!?!?!?!?! Actually has anyone seen MIMS in the last five years at all? Plus, how much of a coup would it be if he had actually been some hard-talking, baritoned garble-master the entire time? It would certainly go to great lengths to demystify the apparent reflexivity of his hotness.

Lil Z

(I don't actually don't know which one he is)

You know, actually this one kind of makes sense. He even has the Flying Lotus connection.

Glenn Danzig

Whether sacrificing Tipper Gore's favorite chicken or providing us with images of an alternate universe in which not only is Glenn Danzig a movie star but in which Glenn Danzig is a movie star starring the film X-Men (2000), in which movie star Glenn Danzig is playing the part of the character Wolverine, only, compared to our fey little Hugh Jackman-Wolverine-playing-based universe, Glenn Danzig: singer, songwriter, comic author, punk-legend, entrepreneur, alternate universe movie star, Misfit, Samhainian, and, uh, Danzig is playing him less gay. So why not Captain Murphy as well.

Aphex Twin

In the world of electronic music, there seems to be like a ten percent chance that anything new is actually some new alias of Aphex Twin. I see no reason not to extend that theory here.

Burial

Kind of similar; no one seems to know who Burial is, even when they know who he is.

*Wooooogity woogity woogity...*

But actually, perhaps we are looking at this wrong. In fact, much of the proof may just be in the lyrics. To wit:

Mechagodzilla

It's all there: "I'm Gojira in the mirror on some nonstop chop." Who else would see themselves in the mirror as such but what is essentially a Godzilla made in variously Alien and Japanese government Kaiju chop shops?

Damian Wayne

Batman's crazy ass League of Shadows-trained son, no doubt "lives his life like [he's] Bruce Wayne, in bittersweet pain ... and guilt..." just as does the new Robin as he attempts outgrow his childhood as an assassin in order to became a hero and good person. With all those Batman samples, you might be asking, "but is he not then more likely to be The Batman himself?" to which I would only say "um, Batman isn't real, dumbass."

But after putting myself through the (proverbial) ringer, unearthing mass conspiracies, and pouring a literal metric fuckton of liquid adrenaline into my brain, this reporter can proudly say that here is the big one, the exclusive, the huge-ass-motherfucking-scoop-de-la-scoop to end all internet-hip-hop-blogs-looking-for-the-identies-of-anonymous-rappers-who-everyone-thinks-is-Tyler-The-Creator-for-some-reason scoops. Because my friends, the answer all along, was right under our noses. Verbose? Good with words? A phenomenon, yet somehow able to remain unseen by the public. Ye gods, and stay back, my friends. For Captain Murphy, quite obviously, now that you think about it, none other, than...